Why Me?
by Blue Skyes101
Summary: On a trip to Gringotts, Harry's life gets even worse than it usually is. It's official; his love life sucks. A freaky, twisted goblin love story.


Author's Note:

Ha! I managed to get another chapter up in my story and get up a one shot! I am the Queen of Multitasking! *insert victorious laughter here* Muhahahahahaha! Anyways, this story is complete and utter crack, and all of the characters are OOC. Flames will not be tolerated. I will probably just ban you from reading my stories…I've never been good at playing defense. Constructive criticism is welcome, though. As are any ideas you might have. So review! Please! I was actually working on my other story and the dementors when I began to think about all the other magical creatures that we don't really know much about. More specifically, goblins. This led me to wonder why there are never any goblin love stories.

…This is why.

**Disclaimer: It is not mine…don't make me send Griphook after you.**

Why Me?

**~Harry POV~**

As I stood there in the middle of Gringotts with a star struck goblin professing his love to me, the only thing I could think was 'Why me?' …Let's rewind a little, shall we?

**~About an hour before~**

It had all started out as just a normal, innocent trip to Diagon Alley. But, of course, with this being my life and all, it couldn't be _normal_ or _little_. Ron, Mione, and I had gone down to Gringotts so I could get some money from my account for my school supplies. This was our last year of schooling, as we had decided to finish up our Hogwarts education after defeating Voldemort. We stopped at the front desk, and who to show me to my vault but Griphook? You know, it's funny. He's always the one to show me to my vault. I had no idea why then, but I'm starting to get an idea now.

The trip down to my vault was fairly uneventful, except that I began to notice Griphook staring at me. Every time I felt his gaze on me, I would look ever at him, trying to catch him in the act; but the goblin always looked away as soon as I looked over. But he was staring at me, I knew it, and man! Was it annoying! After several of these little exchanges, I finally settled for staring at the rock walls passing by until we got to the vault. I felt him watching me the entire time.

When we got to the vault, he was still watching me. I think he was staring at my butt as I bent over to scoop up some galleons. I should not have worn skinny jeans, but, hey, that's hindsight for ya. Anyway, by this time, I was getting majorly creeped out; and I think Ron and Hermione might have known something was up because they kept looking at me funny. The trip back was just kinda a repeat of the trip there, but just as we were exiting the cart and walking into the main lobby, an accident happened.

We were saying good bye to Griphook, who was refusing to leave and was way too close to my personal bubble, when Ron decided his wand was acting funny. He had gotten so cautious about his new wand ever since he broke his first one, and it had kept backfiring on him. (I, for one, know he still has nightmares about his wand coming to life and eating him in his sleep, and then stealing his girlfriend. It's rather amusing to watch.) So, anyway, Ron was fooling around with his wand when, suddenly, a billboard appeared out of nowhere! (I blame Ron.)

I noted, ironically now, that the billboard was advertising life insurance. Said billboard was tottering next to Griphook, who was too busy staring at me to notice the 50 foot tall billboard about to fall on him.

"Look out, Griphook," Ron yelled absently, still playing with his wand fearfully. Griphook seemed not to hear; he was, once more, too enthralled with me to notice.

"Ah, man!" He may have been a creepy stalker type goblin, but he didn't deserve to be smooshed by a giant billboard. The billboard started to fall, and I did the only thing I could think to do. I ran full tilt towards Griphook and tackled him out of the way, landing awkwardly. The board hit the ground with a slam, pounding into stone and raising dust. Coughing, I pushed myself onto my elbows and looked down. Griphook looked relatively harm free, so I gave a relieved sigh and tripped to push myself off of him, as we'd landed in a tangled mess. Griphook put his hand on my shoulder, preventing me from moving, and I looked down at him questioningly. I then became uncomfortably aware of how close we were, our faces only a few inches apart.

"Harry, are you alright?" Hermione asked worriedly, coming forward.

"Yeah, mate, are you okay?" Ron finally put his wand away and came over too.

"I'm fi-!" suddenly, Griphook reached up and, with a vice-like grip, pulled my lips down to his. I immediately squirmed and tried to get away, to no avail. Goblins can be, unfortunately, quite strong when they want to be. I heard Hermione gasp and Ron drop his wand with a loud clatter. Griphook's nose bumped uncomfortably against mine, and his mouth tasted faintly like raw meat and bugs. I had a moment to fear for my personal safety before I realized it was probably just hamburger meat. All in all, it was pretty terrible, and the thought that it was Griphook made me want to gag. It was hot and wet and disgusting. I just hoped I didn't catch some incurable disease.

I was extremely grateful when he released me and didn't try to deepen the kiss. Gasping, I pulled back, thoroughly horrified, and scrambled to my feet. Thankfully, this time, Griphook let me go, looking satisfied with himself. I wiped my mouth repeatedly on my sleeves before Hermione numbly took out her wand and performed a _scourgify_ on my mouth. The entire lobby of Gringotts had gone eerily quiet, humans and goblins alike staring at me unabashedly. Ron looked completely aghast and horrified, much the way I felt.

I sort of wanted to cry. Griphook got up, dusting off his clothes; and I barely prevented myself from hiding behind Ron and Hermione. Mostly Hermione, though, because she looked furious; and a furious Hermione was a thing to be feared.

He bowed to me, deep and low, and said with sincerity, "I apologize for simply kissing you like that, Harry Potter. I was merely overcome with emotion."

"I, er, um," My mouth opened and closed uselessly, and, to my immense gratitude, Hermione interjected.

"What do you mean, 'overcome with emotion?'" she asked, eyes narrowing dangerously.

Griphook turned to look at her respectfully. I think he was trying to flatter her. "Surely one as smart as you knows what I mean."

He _was_ trying to flatter her! And if the small blush on her cheeks was anything to go by, it was working. She thought over his words for a few seconds before realization dawned in her eyes. "You mean..?"

Griphook nodded solemnly, and she let out a very un-Hermione like squeal, looking excitedly between me and Griphook. Seeing that Hermione had somehow defected to the dark side, I scrambled to hide behind Ron, who was now glaring at Griphook for making Hermione blush.

I poked my head out from behind the angry red-head. "What does he mean?" I spat angrily. If I were a cat, I would have been hissing by now. Griphook looked at me balefully.

"Harry, I have something I need to tell you. Please step out from behind your ginger-haired friend."

"NO!" I shouted stubbornly.

Hermione bristled at this. "Harry, get out from behind Ronald!" She growled, forcefully, yanking me away from my safe zone behind Ron. Not fair! And I thought you were my friend, Hermione!

I stumbled forward as she pushed me towards Griphook and fell…right into his arms. I wanted to scream. This was SO unfair! Griphook looked down at me, and, wait, what's that I saw in his gaze? Love? Adoration? Lust? I began hyperventilating in fear, but I think that he took my flushed face and quickened breath as a good thing.

"Harry," Griphook began. I squirmed and tried to get away again; his breath tickled my ear; and the smell of it made me want to retch. "Harry, I'm in love with you."

I stopped squirming immediately. 'No, No, NO, NOOOOOO! Why Me!'

**~And so we return to the (disturbing) present~**

I stared at Griphook blankly, yelling obscenities in my head. I supposed I looked somewhat stunned (No surprise!) because he shook me a little and repeated. "Harry, I'm in love with you. Would you marry me?"

Hermione squealed again, and Ron looked like he had no idea what was going on. Wait, how'd he jump all the way to marriage? My head was spinning. Everyone looked at me expectantly, and I wanted to scream, 'NO, I don't love you. I will never **ever** marry you!'; but no sound came out. My mind was racing to try and keep up. Apparently, everyone took my silence as a yes, because he reached down to kiss me again; and the audience burst into cheers and applause.

I broke free of his grip and looked frantically around, searching for an escape; but I found none. Hermione gave me a hug and started chattering on about "wedding plans." Ron looked helpless for a few minutes before shrugging and pulling his wand out to play with it again. Then, I did the only sensible thing I could do at that moment.

I screamed and screamed and screamed until finally, I blacked out from lack of oxygen. What was going on?

I woke up screaming. Bolting up in my bed, I sat for a moment, gasping and sweat covered. I tried to process what was going on. I was in my room; it had all been some horrible, horrible dream. After calming myself down and convincing myself none of that had happened, I looked around.

This wasn't my room. Where was I? My gaze traveled around, trying to find something familiar in the dark light of the room.

'Harry, dear, are you alright?"

I nearly fell out of the bed (which I then realized was a double) when I heard that all too familiar voice and felt a gnarled hand rubbing seemingly soothing circles on my back.

Oh, crap. It _hadn't_ been a dream. This couldn't be happening; it just couldn't! And what was he doing in my bed?

I turned my head slowly (fearfully) towards Griphook, who was sitting up beside me. The blankets had fallen off of him, and I came to the disgusting conclusion that he was completely. Stark. Naked. I dry heaved and tried to get the disturbing images out of my mind, but they seemed to be burned into my eyes. There were wrinkles where no wrinkles should ever be.

I shook my head desperately, looked down, and discovered (to my great, great relief) that I was wearing boxer sorts, if only that. Why was I sleeping in a bed with a naked goblin wearing only my underwear? I could feel my hysteria rising by the second. What was going on? I looked over at Griphook's worried face and then down at his hands. There was a wedding ring on his finger. Terrified, I looked down at my own hand to find an identical ring on my finger. A lesser man would have fainted then and there, but not me…unfortunately.

"Harry, love, what's the matter?" Griphook brought his face alarmingly close to mine. I looked away again and, in the dim light, saw a newspaper lying on the floor. It was a copy of the Daily Prophet. Curious, (darn my curiosity) I leaned over to pick it up and read it.

Harry Potter and Griphook the Goblin in Marital Bliss! The Love Story Behind the Bank!

By Rita Skeeter

I could read no further before darkness began creeping around the edges of my sight. Please, someone wake me up from this nightmare! Griphook looked alarmingly at me as I swayed precariously and dropped the paper. He caught me when I fell, unable to keep my weight up any longer in my pure, unadulterated shock . My last thought before I passed out into sweet, sweet oblivion was two words.

'Why, me?'

The End!

**Author's Note: Hahahahaha, did you like it? It was hard to write a kissing scene between a goblin and Harry. I mean, have **_**you**_** ever kissed a goblin? Have you even thought about what it would be like to kiss a goblin? I didn't until I wrote this. I just love stories with Harry and not very well known/described magical creatures. Thanks for suffering through this plot bunny and please review! Maybe later, if I get an idea, I'll write a story about Harry and a Blast-Ended Skrewt! Or giants! Or some other random magical creature! But once again, no flames please, and yes, I fully expect there to be flames (this fic is just that contrary); but, please, disappoint my expectations. Bye! **


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